How many of us think closure in relationships is a mere venting out of frustration to your ex, moving on or having a rebound?
Hang on to your thoughts, you will be answered while reading this article on closure in relationships.
Meanwhile, have a look at the picture below:
What do you see in this picture?
Feeling uncomfortable with the gaps in the figure?
Irrespective of the fact that images above are incomplete, we would tend to perceive it as meaningful geometric figures: Circle and square.
We, humans, are wired to perceive things in whole. We tend to fill any gap and space with our own presumption to give the situation/imagery/audition a fruitful meaning.
This filling in the gap and spaces of unknown to attain a meaning and perspective is called Closure.
Closure from the past would mean letting go of resentments, looking at that event of your life in a normal and not bold font.
Why would one need a closure in relationships?
Unanswered questions: We experience the turmoil when relationships have an abrupt end, or when we do not see it coming. Suddenly our inferences of the relationship, its past and our plan of future would seem meaningless. We look for answers that could give us insightful reasons of the dead-end.
One may still feel the potential of getting back together. This shred of hope would not die till you get closure on your relationship and the past.
Holding on to the past: We may continue to hold grudges, relive the past memories and look at it as an event turning our life upside down. Closure irons the creases of negative feelings about the relationship/person.
It can happen through:
Acceptance: Accepting that one of you/both of you has reached a dead-end in the relationship and it is going to be the end of same.
Acknowledgment: Acknowledging both high and low points in your relationship graph. There would be things you learned about him/her, your relationship, what worked out what didn’t. And of course, things you learned about yourself through this relationship!
Time to Grieve: Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the person. Yes, a loss does not always mean the death of the person. But when a person is no more present in our life in symbolic ways we do need to give ourselves some time to get used to it. Do not get swayed away with the concept of break-up parties which is a quick fix way of controlling negative emotions which do not work in long term. Holding up the feelings of anger/sadness/frustration would only accumulate with time causing more harm than good. Breakup counselling can help you learn mindful ways to get over the feelings of hurt and pain caused by a breakup.
Build Memories: When we revisit same places that we went to with our ex-s, we get pangs of nostalgia. Do not avoid those places; build new memories in those places alone. Those places should not attain the special reference of your ex.
No blame/guilt inducing act: You do not attain closure when you play the blame game and make other the person feel guilty. You can be okay only when you feel the other person is okay. Accepting other person/yourself as any other human being with flaws can pave a way to forgiveness
A Conversation of closure may not be everyone’s cup of tea. It exposes a person to vulnerability and open wounds, accountability of their action and decision and responsibility of what happened and why happened. If you have any thoughts of getting back together with your ex but don’t know how, then relationship counselling may help you, but only if your ex is also willing to make the efforts. Or in case you want closure but with some explanations or a clear mind, that’s too is possible with relationship counselling.
A final goodbye through a conversation with all the points mentioned above, signifying the end of your relationship and moving on without guilt, resentment, and frustration could be the best ways of getting a closure.
We may know the answers of what brought the end and why the person would want to move on as they did, but more than often we like to hear the same to confirm or negate our beliefs about him/her or our relationship. Maybe, hearing it from the other person gives us a sense of their acknowledgment and accountability that leads to our acceptance of facts.
Last but not the least, closure comes by being empathetic. Accepting their perspective, a perspective which cannot be right can also not be wrong, of the other person.
When we focus on their feelings, situation, circumstances and not ours and accept them as they are, that is the time we fill the gaps to give that part of our life meaning and closure.
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