I was alone… After 9 years of being with someone, of having the warmth and security of support, of having someone I love for the rest of my life, I still have the rest of my life, but suddenly it looks empty. There is a vacuum, and my chest hurts every time I breathe.
Things were not fine; they hadn’t been for a while. But we always had our near and far phases. The time when we were so near that even air couldn’t seem to come between us, then she would need her space and I would always respect that. It seemed like we were in different dimensions altogether, so close but yet so far.
This one time I gave so much space that she never found her way back to me. A rollercoaster ride That’s what our relationship was, and by the time the ride came to an end, I realized I was all alone. She never seemed to be free to talk to me. When she spoke with others, she seemed happy, but with me, she was always angry, always sad, and always so negative that I ended up being sad all the time when she was sad with me and when she was happy without me.
I guess I saw it coming but still wasn’t prepared. It broke me—I lost my self-confidence, I lost my happiness, I lost my trust in any relationship (ever again), I lost my self-worth (I felt unworthy of being loved), and I felt lonely. And the memories, everything seemed to only remind me of the days we were close. It all left a void, an emptiness inside me that I just couldn’t explain.
Initially, for the first 5 months, I wasn’t ready to let her go. At first, I knew she would come back, that just like me, she was remembering the times we were in love. But then she didn’t and I started telling myself that I had to prepare myself to accept that she was gone. How do you do that? How do you kill hope when you know that it is what is keeping you together? Keeping you sane? Keeping you from crumbling all over? You know the hope will hurt you worse later, but how do you let go of it?
When you are ready, you do. “
When a serious relationship breaks, psychologically, our natural response to it is very similar to that of a traumatic event, of being wounded… The hurt we feel may be equivalent to or only slightly less than the passing away of someone close to us. So the period that follows is similar to a grieving period.
Step back and have a pilot view. How did you contribute to the problem?
Do you tend to date, similar people? If so, what are they like? Are they good for you? Why or why not?
Do you adopt constructive or destructive ways of dealing with stress and insecurities?
Do you consider accepting people the way they are or how they “should” be?
Have you had similar problems in other relationships? If so, what is causing you to have these problems? What can you do differently in future relationships?
If you were not taking good care of yourself before the relationship ended, now is a good time to start. Make sure that you are eating well, sleeping enough, making time for relaxation, and getting regular exercise to feel your best.
“We must be willing to let go of the Life we’ve planned, so as to have the Life that is waiting for us”
-Joseph Campbell
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