A famous research by Dr. Gary Chapman revealed that there are 5 ways of expressing love and affection, and each individual has their own need and way of expressing the same: Words of affirmation
These are simple words of reassurance.
One makes their partner feel special by telling them how beautiful they are.
How thankful they are to have them.
They make for great individuals, they are desired.
How important the relationship is to them.
That they will always be there for them come what may.
People with this love language like to consciously invest in time being spent with their partner.
Be it by going on holidays and get-aways together.
Or taking up an activity as a team, such individuals connect with their beloved by means of spending quality time together.
Acts of service
You know this is your love language if you’re always up to help your partner by cooking them a meal.
Or buying the groceries,
Or helping them organise their calendar, doing the dishes,
Or even going that extra mile by using your talents to your benefit by assisting them in any way you possibly can!
It is often assumed that people with this love language are looking for sex.
However, truth is that it could be just a hug, a cuddle, or something more intimate.
Or something as simple as being sitting next to each other!
That instills a sense of security and belongingness within an individual.
Do you find yourself most happy to receive gifts from your significant other?
People with this love language like little token of appreciation!
If these tokens of love are what make you feel loved and cared for, then this ought to be your love language. 😉
But what can I do if my Partner has a Different Love Language? He likes to gift me, but all I want is to spend some quality time?
More often than not, both parties in a relationship tend to have varying love languages. As individuals, it is natural for us to have our unique ways of expressing our affection. While on one hand, a person may convey their feelings through verbal appreciation, another may seek physical intimacy in order to feel loved.
Let me help you understand better with the help of real life stories.
Ayushmaan and Taania
Both Ayushmaan and Taania find themselves to be in a happy space as far as their relationship is concerned. However, at times they tend to have too many misunderstandings one after another, all thanks to misinterpreting each other’s ways of expressing love. Ayushmaan is a man of actions, which means that he believes in showcasing his devotion towards Taania through his acts of service (Gifts).
Both parties mutually acknowledged Ayushmaan for always being there to help Taania with anything she would need and more. However, Taania being a person of words, would reciprocate to this only by means of verbal gratitude, which over time would make Ayushmaan feel less cared for in the relationship. Despite being together for over 2 years now, their relationship is subjected to tough tides of stress during such phases of low.
How did they Decode and Deal
With the help of a Life Coach, Ayushmaan was made to understand the value of his love language. Being among the most intense of love languages, one’s acts of service should remain free from the ‘give and take’ policy. The moment we begin benchmarking each other’s efforts, it would almost always have somebody feeling less loved. Being a task master herself, Taania on the other hand was motivated to help Ayushmaan with his chores, and showcase active participation in helping him out with his schedules, as well as other commitments that would benefit from her assistance. Ayushmaan, over time, began to showcase verbal appreciation for Taania’s increased involvement in his life, which not only reduced their misunderstandings, but also brought them closer than ever.
Yash and Reema
Having been together for a little over 8 months now, Reema and Yash often feel unhappy in their relationship together. Yash has always been much into the idea of building a physically intimate bond with Reema. Other than trying to cope with the pressure of Yash’s expectations from her, Reema also feels that Yash never does anything for her. He has never bought her a single gift. She says it is not about the size and price, but about the thought and gesture that counts. Both however agree that they want to work through their differences and rebuild their connection.
How did they Decode and Deal
To begin with, Yash was provided with a 1-10 rating scale (1 being the least and 10 being the most). He was then asked to rate the importance of Reema and his relationship, as well as the importance of physical intimacy. Having rated his relationship as 10 and physical intimacy as 8, Yash realised that Reema’s presence was more valuable to him than making her go through the discomfort of having to deal with his expectations regarding sexual chemistry. It is then that he consciously decided to leave the ball in Reema’s court so that she is more at peace with the idea of being physically close to him. In addition to this, Reema confessed that she would feel more encouraged to engage in physical intimacy with Yash if he would put in more efforts to do things for her in terms of gifting every once in a long while at least. This boosted Yash to express his love for her by means of meaningful letters, small handmade gifts, and even expensive tokens of love whenever he could manage one to make her feel belonged. Over time, both parties managed to rekindle their flame of love, and their bond keeps growing stronger ever since. 🙂
Both Ayushmaan-Taania and Yash-Reema felt reconnected with their significant other once they’d sought help from a Life Coach. At times, we do know the answers to our concerns, but wish to hear it from an expert who would not only be a reliable source of information, but whose help would always be free of judgement and personal bias.
So how do you Understand Love Language of your partner?
A person’s way of expressing love can determine the path that their relationship can be expected to take in the times to come. Our knowledge and understanding of every love language can help us sustain our romances and make them worthwhile in the best way possible! 😉
Identify who speaks what
One of the most basic things to do here is for one to identify not just their own love language, but also that of their significant other. Once that is done, a person would be better able to mould their expression of affection for their partner depending upon the situation, and thus avoid conflicts in the relationship.
We can never underestimate the power of communication now, can we? A great way to develop a true understanding in a relationship is by communicating what we expect, as well as seeking to gain more insight into the expectations of our significant other. This would not only serve as useful information to us, but also make our partners feel more valued with our efforts of wanting to know what we can do to make them feel more special.
Ask for feedback
At times, especially if you and your partner’s love languages are different from one another, one may unintentionally overexpress themselves, or fail to recognise what their significant other is looking for. In order to steer clear of misunderstandings that may stem from such situations, one can play safe by asking for feedback from their partners from time to time. This would help them stay updated with what their partner desires, as well as communicate their share of expectations to the former.
Know your priorities
Lastly, let’s not forget that every relationship goes through tough days. Not a single person would claim to have had a ‘perfect and happy relationship’ at all times. However, when you find your relationship amidst such turbulences, it is important to understand what matters more : the problem, or the person. Remember, in order to have an enriching romance, one should focus on the you and I vs the problem theory, and not create a you vs I due to the problem scenario.
Attachment Style of your partner may affect how they express love!
Read this to know their attachment style: