When my boyfriend said, “I love you, but you are suffocating me”
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Relationships are like sand in your fist, the tighter you hold the quicker it slides out of your hand. I had to learn it the hard way.
I had been dating Ryan for months now and everything seemed perfect.
Watching fairy tales throughout my childhood instilled a belief in me of the world as a place where only your partner exists for you and vice versa. That it’s my man’s responsibility to fulfill my wishes.
But as everyone who has these unrealistic expectations, I was forced back to reality when my boyfriend, Ryan, asked me for a break saying, “I love you, but you are suffocating me”
I didn’t even realize I was nurturing insecurities; I didn’t know I had a part in me that could feel so insecure. It became difficult to think of life without him.
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I’m not proud of what I started doing, I never was.
A compulsion took over me. A compulsion that drove me to:
1. Calling him incessantly, even when I knew he was busy,
2. Voicing my doubts regarding his friends aggressively,
3. Blaming him and fight every time he spoke to or went out with a female friend even if it was with his superior at work.
4. I even started to stalk his phone and Instagram and Facebook account for hours in a day and arguing with him for every woman who liked his status or picture.
6. I had to know what he did every second of every minute of his life. I had to know if he had food and what he had, what was he working on and what he did while he was working on the project.
7. I would harm myself or start hitting him when I got exasperated in these situations and after a while he started reciprocating with the same amount of violence.
Professional Help & Self-Realization
I knew we were broken. Reality, however, struck me and broke me into pieces when he asked for the break and I didn’t know for sure when and if he would ever get back to me.
That’s when I got in touch with a life coach, to get over the pain of probably never being able to be with him again and to get over what he said about me suffocating him.
My life-coach initially brought my focus to myself.
Once I was ready to move on my life coach pointed out to me that sometimes we follow certain patterns in our relationships that can lead to the other partners’ feelings of suffocation and further added that a change in these patterns may bring about a change in our relationship.
I identified the patterns I was following. That is when I realized what I was doing right and what mistakes I was making and the prejudices that led me to make them. And together we... Actually, my life-coach helped me come up with alternative patterns to replace the existing ones
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Transforming my SELF
1. I realized we are two unique individuals. Just like I may have my own interests, hobbies, friends and passion, he also can have his own and not share mine.
It would not mean he loves me any less or the relationship isn't strong.
2. In any relationship there would be individual time and couple time; some space or time to pursue what interests you on a personal level is healthy.
3. I was taught ways to communicate my feelings in a positive manner and understand each other better.
After a much needed ME time, I got in touch with Ryan again.
I started to put efforts to understand him and give him a space to fulfill his roles and responsibilities.
I made a conscious effort to trust him and not check his phone, Instagram and Facebook account and distracted myself from these thoughts.
I learned that while it is my RIGHT to tell my partner what I wanted from him, it is my RESPONSIBILITY to ask him what he wishes from me or from the relationship. This is how I can express my respect for him.
I was also able to understand that our relationships are a domain to life and not life in itself, we should not weave our lives around it.
Relationships are like trees that cannot grow in the pot of insecurities rather they need an open ground of trust and support to expand its roots of strength.
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