Deal with the relationship incompatibilities “together” with a relationship expert!

We all know that a relationship demands effort and it can't go on without an equal share of effort from both the partners. We can’t not take our car or regular maintenance and expect it to work smoothly, right? Similarly, it is often required for couples to repair and rework on their relationship.

Couples therapy can help them work on this and resolve the conflicts in a pretty much understandable manner.

What is couples therapy?

“Couples therapy can address a wide range of relationship issues, including

• Recurring conflicts,
• Feelings of disconnection,
• An affair,
• Issues related to sex,
• Or difficulties due to external stressors,”

-says Brian Mueller, PhD, a psychologist at Columbia University Medical Center who specializes in couples therapy.

In other words, it helps individuals resolve couples conflicts, improve their level of satisfaction from the relationship and get comfortable with the partner.

How does couples therapy work?

1. It also brings about a certain understanding between the couples that it is not an individual effort that can bring this boat to the shore but it requires a joint effort and only then can we resolve the conflicts.
2. Biasness is something that often causes rifts between the couples. Each partners’ friend would try taking their friend’s side despite trying to stay neutral because of the bond they have with them. A therapist lends a neutral ear to the couples to talk about their problems in the first place.
3. Couples Therapy is a great way to help couples understand their idea of intimacy. Intimacy is not only about sex, it is much more, like holdig hands, hugging, kissing, providing safety to the partner, empathy and so on. Therapy helps them with not just sexual intimacy but also with non-sexual intimacy like emotional intimacy.
4. It also helps couples unravel their past history which probably they weren’t very sure of but was impacting their relationship big time.
5. Couples therapy all in all helps the couples reignite the fire of love that was gradually nearing its end.

In the words of Dave Meurer “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couples’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couples learns to enjoy their differences.”

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship and the more you get to know someone, the more flaws become apparent in them. This is the harsh truth of any relationship but this proximity with another person is also one of the reasons to make the relationship work and resolve those conflicts which never seem to go away. This is where couple’s therapy comes into play. When we talk about couple therapy, it’s as simple as it sounds but there are some misconceptions associated with it wherein people think they only need therapy when something is wrong with them or if they’re too weak to deal with a situation. However, they couldn’t be more wrong. If you value your relationship and feel that you’ve tried everything then why not try one more time with a professional help? It might be beneficial for you and your partner. People spend big lumps of money to make their respective partners happy but what do they do to strengthen their relationship when it hits a bump?

Many issues can hamper a relationship whether they are trust issues, problems in communicating with each other, intimacy issues, etc. But these are the things a therapist can help you with to understand and heal from better.

-Studies have shown that couple therapy has been effective to repair a relationship 75% of the time. So, it’s worth giving a shot, right? It’s also important to note the impact of a relationship on the wellbeing of the person as a healthy relationship is imperative not only for a healthy society but also for a healthy individual. Studies have revealed that people who are in healthy relationships have lesser production of cortisol which is the stress hormone, have faster healing from diseases, have a greater sense of purpose, and have a longer life. As Victor Frankl in his renowned book, Man’s Search for Meaning’ pointed out that one of the three main sources of meaning in life is love as it can keep our spirits up, look for positives even in an adverse situation with the hope of reconnecting with a loved one as he did thinking about his wife when he was in the concentration camps.

-Many times, couples are unable to unearth and explain the emotional meaning behind their stance and end up bickering about things. No matter how close we are with someone or how long we’ve been together, some things need to be said out loud to be understood as at the end of the day we’re all human beings capable of making mistakes and not getting everything right.Different things can mean different things to each partner such as going out might be one partner’s way of exploring and doing something new together whereas for the other partner staying in together might mean being cozy and comfortable in each other’s presence. However, when the internal meaning is not expressed then externally it can turn into criticism and feeling not understood by the other. This is something a therapist can help you with along with making both partners realize what exactly is bothering them about a particular behavior or pattern of the other. As Esther Perel rightly points out, underlying each criticism is a wish. For example, if one partner blames and criticizes the other for never washing the dishes then what he/she wants is their partner to do the dishes and help them out with the household chores as it might be getting too much for them to handle everything but this is not how it is communicated, therefore, it creates problems.

-Couples therapy can help draw new contracts between the couple, throw out some of the redundant scripts they grew up with owing to their negative past experiences and learn to listen and understand their partners and themselves better eventually realizing that the other person is not their enemy. It’s never You Vs. Me rather they’re the team and it’s Us Vs. The Problem. It’s about learning to love even when it gets difficult because it’s a process.

-Couples therapy can help you realize a lot of things that you didn’t know before even if you’ve been with your partner for years. Therapy is your safe space where confidentiality is maintained and you know that everything you share will remain between you and your therapist without any judgment. It’s possible that you had these essential skills at the beginning of your relationship but over time you forgot how to use them or your patience wore out or you got too comfortable and didn’t use them again. Remember that it’s never too late to start afresh and the important thing is to use those skills outside the therapy sessions as well. When you learn any new thing it’s essential to try it out outside your classes whether it’s Math or driving or anything new you’ve learned. You’ll get better at it only with practice. Therefore, try to do the homework and tasks assigned by the therapist and if you’re not okay with something then be honest about it too. The key is to be open and honest about whatever you share in the sessions.

The goal is to make your bond stronger and help you successfully deal with any problematic situation which arises in your relationship outside of the therapy session.

Couple counseling can address a wide variety of relationship issues ranging from recurring internal conflicts to external stressors, from emotional disconnect to issues around intimacy. The idea of the counseling process is simple: you go to a couple therapist, unload your share of problems with the partner in front of the therapist, they help you with an informed advice and you are done. Is it that simple? Unfortunately, it is not. Couple therapy requires a lot of willingness, dedication and sincerity in both the partners to make it work. It is not about an individual, it is about the couple as a unit. Because, every relationship is a 50-50 equation.

The scenario a couple of decades ago might have been completely different than what it is today. Back then, the awareness for couple counseling was less, resources were limited. The turn around rate was somewhere around 45%-50% out of the very few who actually came up for it because there is a lot of societal pressure as well. Therapists were able to better the relationship and help the couple get on better terms but most of it was short lived rather than any long term solution. Things are changing now. People are coming forward to talk about their relationship issues, their concerns around their marriage and want to solve them. Multiple new approaches to couple counseling have increased the success rate manifolds. Emotion-Focused Therapy, or EFT, and the Gottman Approach, are achieving much better results. EFT, for example, has a 75% success rate. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists reports an overall success rate of 98%

Success rate for couple counseling is dependant on TRACK:

1. Timing- Most couples come for counseling after around 5-6 years if the issues are in place.
2. Reluctance- Often one partner is seen to be reluctant in the counseling setup.
3. Acceptance- One of the most important factors is that the couple should be willing to accept their own mistakes as well.
4. Communication- A lot of what goes into couple counseling sessions is based on how well the couple communicates in and post the sessions.
5. Keyed up- If a couple is keyed up in a session, the counselor needs to build a better alliance with that partner and help them feel at ease so as to describe their concerns better.

As Terry Gaspard says “Timing is everything when it comes to marriage counseling”. The sooner the better.

Couple’s therapy can sound daunting to some people as it needs acknowledgment and acceptance that there are a few things about their relationship which need to be fixed and worked upon unless it’s the end of their relationship and for most, it might seem the last resort to save their relationship. Whatever one may think, couple’s therapy should be treated as any other form of therapy such as regular therapy where we get to know things about ourselves by gaining awareness and insight into our patterns, couples’ therapy does the same but with two people at the same time. And, instead of considering it as the last resort, it’s better to go for it early on to be equipped with the necessary skills to deal with things if they arise in the future.In couple’s therapy along with becoming aware of our patterns, we get to know not just ourselves better but our partner as well and this could also be a way of bonding for the partners to show that they care and are willing to make their relationship work. And, it’s never too late to start again.

The sooner you start with couple therapy the better it is for your relationship. Some engaged couples get premarital counseling which helps them once they’re married. Having beneficial knowledge and the appropriate skills which can be used later on in a romantic relationship can help prevent many issues which might arise in the future.

All relationships have conflicts and this is normal and healthy for any relationship. The closer you are to someone, the more you get to know them, and this can at times lead to conflicts too in a relationship due to various reasons and a couples therapist tries to smoothen the relationship, increase satisfaction amongst the partners, rekindle the romance, healthily resolve conflicts, improve communication between partners, feel more secure in the relationship, embrace the changes, and have a healthy relationship by understanding each other better.

The couple’s therapist employs many different therapeutic interventions in the therapy. A therapist’s theoretical orientation can impact the type of therapy they use but the goal remains the same which is to help couples in the best way possible so that they do what is most suitable for them and their relationship.

Research conducted by the American Association of Marriage and Family found that over 97% of the couples who were surveyed benefitted from couple’s therapy. Couple therapy provides some effective tools and skills to the couple to work with and this can help the clients deal with their issues in the present and the future if they arise again, or if something new comes up. It’s always useful to have some tools at hand to deal with any kind of situation, it makes one feel less afraid, more empowered, and confident to face adverse situations.

In the first few couple’s therapy sessions, the therapist might have one on one sessions with each partner and then after getting the necessary information through interview questions and observation the therapist takes sessions with both partners together. Treatment goals are made after identifying the issues which need to be dealt with and understood at a deeper level. A structure is then prepared based on the goals for each session or a few sessions depending on the seriousness of the issue. In couples therapy both the partners feel heard and understood which many times is missing during conflicts with each partner feeling misunderstood and unheard. We have to understand that no matter how long you have known a person, a relationship involves two imperfect people coming together therefore problems are natural to arise. Hence, understanding the relational dynamics and becoming aware of the role that each partner plays in dysfunctional interactions is extremely crucial and helpful. The therapist also helps both partners take the perspective of each other, communicate effectively with each other, understand the situation better to resolve conflicts and this can be done through reflective questioning, role plays, communication training, and other techniques.

One important aspect of any couples therapy is the homework provided by the therapist. Doing well in therapy is great but the impact and change can only be observed if it is followed outside of the sessions as well when the licensed professional is not present. Hence, applying the skills learned at couple’s therapy is incredibly important otherwise there’ll not be much of a noticeable difference. It’s how we learn something in college and then apply it at work, if we’re unable to apply those skills then how is that knowledge helping you? Applying what you’ve learned in therapy sessions is essential in couple’s therapy for a behavior change to be conspicuous and this is the aim of a couples therapist.

Married or unmarried, any couple can avail the opportunity to have a better relationship.

Couple counseling can help a couple to have

• Effective communication,
• Resolve conflicts better,
• Understand power struggles,
• Resolve intimacy issues
• Helps with Infidelity,
• Understand each other’s personality and history of trauma better, etc.

Couple counseling helps us navigate the relationship better. The bottom line is that any type of couple, at any point in the relationship and with any living arrangement can benefit from couple counseling.

Furthermore, within the Indian context, married couples can have very different dynamics as compared to unmarried couples. The families are also involved and impact the relationship of married couples in the Indian context. These are the nuances that our counselors at BetterLYF understand very well and more importantly, the challenges, roles, and responsibilities that follow in such a setup.

Seeking counseling for couple-related issues does not mean that a relationship is doomed and needs “saving.” Couple counseling helps a couple understand their conflict patterns, the nature of the relationship the partners share, and their overall dynamics in the relationship. Yes, a couple can seek counseling when they think they need intervention from outside too. However, it can also be a way to understand how to make a partnership better. A therapist’s job during the counseling sessions is not to take sides or favor one partner over the other. A therapist would always attempt to understand the situation from the perspective of both the partners and would treat the relationship. A job of a therapist is not advice or even coaching, but to guide and give a perspective. More often than not, the suggestions from a therapist are rooted in research evidence on relationships and psychological theory.

There are a lot of things to gain from this process of couple counseling:

• An understanding of one’s own flaws and deep-rooted issues. A lot of our personal material tends to show in our intimate relationships. Couple counseling helps us understand and help the couples navigate through it.
• Therapy for couples is not only when the relationship has its challenges but it is also considered when we are looking for improving the quality and attain meaning out of our relationship.
• Even if the nature of issues is severe and the relationship seems to have reached a point where the partners are considering separation or divorce, even then the couple can benefit from the counseling sessions to get separated in a healthier way.