She was my secret keeper, the shoulder which supported me whenever I wanted to cry, my best friend. Her number is still saved on my cell with the nickname I gave her. It has been months since we talked. I still feel like running to her whenever something goes wrong but I can’t anymore.
There were way too many misunderstandings by the end of our college life. Then we had a college farewell and I guess it was the farewell of our friendship too.
I miss her so much, I want to talk to her but I don’t know how to anymore. The space between us is too wide for us to cover.
I have sleeplessness; I overthink a lot on how could I wrong her. I couldn’t go to the university we decided to go, without her. It is becoming more difficult each day. Is there someone who can understand me.
As social beings, we are wired for connection and friendship is one of the important bonds that fulfills this need for emotional connection. Friendship is one of the most crucial parts of our life and adds significant value to our wellbeing and happiness. The care and love we get through our friendships enhance our lives.
Friendship can help someone deal with mental health problems too. Friends are the biggest support system a person can have. A true friend can help in gaining confidence that the situation can get better and there are solutions to our problems.
However, like all other relationships, friendships too go through highs and lows.
Some of the factors that lead to sourness in our friendships are:
Differences amongst friends can be over their personal values, ideas, opinions, etc. When differences get converted into conflicts, it indicates there is a strong need remaining unaddressed.
Certain needs such as the need for connection or belongingness, need to feel loved, respected and valued when not met in any friendship might lead to conflicts and problems in friendship.
Other reasons for trouble in friendship can be amongst the following:
In today’s world we are constantly competing to be a better person, aspiring to be best in careers, jobs, achievements. This competitiveness often interferes with the genuine connections we have with our friends. Often we end up feeling competitive towards our friends which then leads to an emotional disconnect.
Another reason for conflicts in friends is when two friends happen to develop a liking towards the same person. This becomes an awkward situation and leads to jealousy amongst friends.
When there is physical distance between two friends due to relocation for higher studies or job then this space can become a fertile land for increased differences due to hectic schedules, less quality time, lack of communication for days, weeks or months. This may be due to the fact that friends miss each other but are not able to connect and communicate as frequently as they used to. This might lead one to feel that the friendship is not the same or does not hold much value and importance for the other person.
When we move from one phase of our life to another, like going to college or starting a career, there are many adjustments to be made. There are drastic changes in our lifestyle, routine, etc. This can be overwhelming and even take a toll on friendship.
How can therapy help in friendship
It is important for us to have friends but many of us find it difficult to strike up a friendship. It could be due to emotional guardedness, past negative experiences, a new adjustment period. Therapy helps to gain an understanding of our ideas of friendship, equip ourselves with healthy communication and effective conflict resolution skills in order to build emotionally secure and healthy friendships.
In any relationship, there are ebbs and flows and sometimes due to a hurtful experience or an unpleasant incident, there might be breakdowns in communication. Ruptures in communication are important to acknowledge and resolve. In order to clear any misunderstandings, it is pivotal to express your emotions no matter how difficult. Honest communication regarding expectations helps the bond to remain intact. It also ensures that there is complete acceptance and trust in the relationship.
We may be feeling extremely emotionally overwhelmed at the moment, our friend may not be aware of our emotions or their intensity or might not be available for support due to external factors. This might lead to a misconception that they are not invested in the friendship anymore. A therapist helps to make sense of such situations, offer support and empathy in times of crisis and help to understand the best course of action for such events.
Often when we experience our friend forming new bonds of friendship, we tend to feel betrayed as we assume it would devalue the bond we share with them or they might just replace us with their newly found companions.
During an argument, it is quite common that we are experiencing and expressing anger, frustration, emotional pain and disappointment to our friend(s) and sometimes end up saying hurtful things that may inflict pain and rupture the bond. A therapist helps to reflect, process and express our emotions in a healthy manner.
Ideally, friendship is something that adds moments of happiness and joy to our life. A friend is someone we can rely on during the hard times and count on as part of the support system. However, sometimes the toxic friendship can be a source of stress and emotional distress when it turns toxic. It can become toxic when the boundaries are not respected; our opinions and values are not considered and this happens where one person is either dominating or ridicules. Toxic friends also give criticisms in the most unhealthy manner. When our friends demean us, belittle our achievements, are jealous or unsupportive of our goals and aspirations, you have to check for the toxicity of this bond. Through therapy, you can learn to identify toxic friends and how to deal with them.
Our friendships may get inadvertently affected when we are in a romantic relationship. It can become challenging to invest an equal amount of time, effort and energy in all relationships especially when we just found a partner. It becomes even more difficult if there is any friction between partner and friends causing us to choose between them. Through therapy, we can understand how to navigate such situations with communication, appropriate boundary setting and allocation of our time and emotional energy in an effective manner.
Structure of the Sessions
In initial sessions, the focus is on the concern and its impact. In-depth history about the nature, duration, and quality of the friendship, what changed and how differences started causing conflicts are taken.
Moving forward the counselor explores how you are dealing with the concern, how it is affecting you as a person, what are the emotional consequences of the concern. Differences and conflicts can cause extreme sadness, mood disturbances and loss of interest. Therapy sessions aim to address these emotional challenges so as to counteract day to day disruptions.
In a therapy session, psychoeducation and building awareness is an important part. A therapist helps to delve deeper into ideas of friendship, expectations, attachment style, boundaries and met & unmet emotional needs. Aim is to make you identify those thought patterns, behaviors and belief systems that might be contributing to the present concern.
Follow-ups are aimed to keep a progress check on how each session has been helping in dealing with current challenges and to work on any potential setbacks.
"She had become so cold overnight, I couldn't believe she wasn't coming back this time. I didn't know what to do, what to say to make things okay anymore. If only I could say the right things maybe Preeti would have stayed."
With this book, we bring you several real stories. Few are a reflection of first-hand or vicarious experiences, others are inspired by break up cases helped by the counsellors at BetterLYF.
Disclaimer: Please note that we are not a crisis intervention helpline. Should you have severe symptoms or have thought about harming yourself, please seek immediate medical help or call suicide prevention helplines such as
Aasra 24x7 Helpline: 91-22-27546669